


Life During Wartime

by MoragMacPherson



Series: Home Is Where I Want To Be (But I Guess I'm Already There) [5]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Minor Chirrut Îmwe/Baze Malbus, author takes no responsibility for Luke's punning, this is what happens when Bodhi doesn't get his sleep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-23 16:06:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9664748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoragMacPherson/pseuds/MoragMacPherson
Summary: Luke returns from Dagobah with some things on his mind





	

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place during _Return of the Jedi_.

Bodhi feels more than a little conflicted when Chirrut's head tilts to the side during evening meditation and he announces, "Skywalker has returned, you should go to him." On one hand Bodhi can't stop the smile that crosses his face, the skip of his heartbeat at knowing Luke's back on ship, that he's safe, that he's once again returned to Bodhi after a treacherous mission. On the other: Leia only returned with Han and assurances that they'd left Luke in good health two days ago. Luke is supposed to be finishing his training on Dagobah— _he'd promised_ —and it's too soon, something must be wrong. "I know you'll be useless for meditation until you do," says Chirrut with a knowing tone.

"You're probably right. Thank you, Chirrut," says Bodhi, fighting back a blush while getting to his feet.

"There's nothing wrong with indulging young love, Bodhi," says Chirrut. "I remember what it's like, young love during wartime, and your young man shines with it like a beacon," he continues. "May the Force be with you both."

"I can hope. Goodnight." Bodhi beats a hasty retreat, not wanting tempt Chirrut into telling him in far too much detail more about his young love with Baze. Bodhi considers going straight to their quarters but instead decides to intercept Luke in the hangar because whatever reason Luke has for breaking his promise, he won't share until they're in private and Bodhi wants to savor their reunion for at least a few minutes. He's earned that much.

Bodhi spots Luke handing Artoo off to a tech, his helmet under his arm and he looks just as beautiful to Bodhi as he ever has, wampa scars and all, even if his eyes are starting to look distinctly older—Baze says the Jedi all had ancient eyes. Luke's still twinkle when they see Bodhi and Luke grins, "Bodhi!" he calls out, nothing but joy in his voice and face. Bodhi smiles back, can't help himself— _habibi, aashaqi_ —and tries not to be too obvious in rushing to Luke's side.

"Successful mission?" Luke asks, switching his helmet to fit under his right arm so that he can hold Bodhi with his left and that is somewhat suspicious, but maybe Luke is less fond of his prosthetic than he used to be.

"Unqualified," replies Bodhi. "Yours?"

"Mixed," says Luke, this smile not quite reaching his eyes, but Bodhi lets it slide when Luke presses a kiss to his temple.

"Do you need to check in?" asks Bodhi, leaning into the contact.

Luke shakes his head. "I'm all yours," he says and if Bodhi didn't know better he'd swear there's an inkling of Force-ability behind the words, easier to think that than to admit the effect they have on him even after all this time. While they stop by the lockers to stow Luke's flight gear Bodhi lets his eyes linger on Luke fondly, closing his eyes to see if— yes, Chirrut is right, Luke's presence does light up the atmosphere of the whole room, probably the whole ship if you're as practiced as Chirrut is at attuning himself to the Force, or maybe that's just young love talking. Bodhi sighs and wills himself not to care whether it's love or the Force.  
  
It's not one of his more successful efforts. Bodhi opens his eyes when Luke's thumb swipes at the rough stubble on his chin. "Growing it back in?" he asks.

Bodhi looks down, heat curling in his stomach. "If I remember correctly, you were the one who mentioned how much he liked my beard."

Luke grins again. "Hey, right now I'm just jealous because it'd take me weeks to grow mine that long and it would be a lot more… patchy," he says, taking Bodhi's hand to let it cup his own chin. Bodhi can't help but smile— _he's not wrong_. "Let's get back to quarters," Luke says. Bodhi nods and they walk together, silent, not quite touching, but side-by-side.

Bodhi waits until they're safely in their rooms to ask, "What happened?"

"Shortly after I arrived… Master Yoda died," says Luke, sitting down on the edge of the bed, his shoulders slumping.

"Kriff," says Bodhi, his stomach sinking at the fact that Luke's had to watch another mentor die in front of him, that he's that much more alone in the galaxy— _no wonder he's so terrified of losing me_. "I'm sorry," he says, settling in next to Luke and throwing an arm over his shoulder.

A tear drops down Luke's far cheek. "At least it was peaceful. He was there one moment, then he was one with the Force." Luke's right hand reaches over to grab Bodhi's free hand and Bodhi frowns as he can hear servos crunching. When he looks down he sees where Luke's sleeve has ridden up, revealing a hole with seared edges around the "skin." _More damage he can't heal by himself, that I can't heal for him_.

Bodhi sighs and kisses to Luke's cheek, squeezing his shoulder. "So no more training," he says.

"Yoda told me my training was complete," Luke sniffles. "That I would be a Jedi once I—once I face my father again."

The revelation sends a chill down Bodhi's spine, everything that he didn't want for Luke and he internally curses the dead Jedi master. "Admitted that was the truth, did he?"

Luke goes still by Bodhi's side and Bodhi half-hates how well he knows Luke, how easy it is to read him lately. "He confirmed it, yes," says Luke, and his voice even trails off a bit.

Bodhi should let it go, should give Luke the space to grieve, but the big briefing scheduled for tomorrow morning can only be for the Death Star assault, and they simply don't have enough _time_. Best to lay it all out now, start the healing process.  "There's something more he said, something else you learned," says Bodhi.

Luke shuts his eyes, letting out a long breath and squeezing Bodhi's hand almost painfully. "I'm not sure it's mine to tell," he says.

"You don't have to," says Bodhi, backtracking. Kriff being responsible: Luke's too tired for this and Bodhi's too tired of pain.

It's too late. "Leia's my sister. My twin," says Luke.

"Oh." This gentler revelation is somehow no less unnerving to Bodhi. _Luke isn't as alone as they've made him believe, she's his sister, I'm in love with Darth Vader's son and Princess Leia's twin brother_. In that moment, Bodhi finds it easier to believe that Leia, with her striking gaze, arch manners, and steel will, is Vader's child than the idea that Luke is. "Does _she_ know?" he asks.

"Not yet, no." Luke props his elbow on his knee and wipes his face. "Do you think she'd want to know?" he asks after several long moments.  


Giving himself a few moments to mull it over— _hayati, naseebi_ —Bodhi concludes by pulling Luke's damaged prosthetic up to kiss his fingers. "I think she loves you and if anyone could take that kind of news, it would be her."

Luke barks out of nervous laugh. "Better her than you, right?" he says, falling back on the bed with a groan. "What kind of a life is this?" he asks.

"Yours," Bodhi replies, leaning back to join him and not willing to let the rhetorical question eat at Luke's soul. "Ours," he amends before peppering kisses down Luke's jawline.  
  
"Now you're just rubbing the beard thing in my face," says Luke.

Bodhi pulls away and sits up. "Congratulations, I can finally see it: only Vader's son could be evil enough to come up with a line like that," he says.

Luke grins, trying to kick his boots off. "Evil's supposed to be sexy."

Bodhi rolls his eyes and gets up to help Luke with his boots. "No, definitely not sexy, no welcome back sex for you, not after that," he says, tossing the boots aside and stripping off his own jacket.

Luke has shimmied the top of his flightsuit off his arms and down around his waist. "Honestly, I think I'm too tired anyway," he says.  
  
Bodhi smiles down at him, feeling more than a little tired himself. "You're getting old on me."

"You're the old one."

"Don't you ever forget it," says Bodhi, dropping his own boots by Luke's. "And this old man is going to bed, if you'd like to join him."

"If I must, and only because I love him," says Luke and Bodhi has to look away because that's the heart of it all, isn't it?

"Love you too," Bodhi says, picking up all their discarded laundry and dropping it in the hamper, under the shelf of holocrons. This is his _life_ , their life, and Bodhi doesn't want it to ever end. He dims the glowpanels and crawls into bed next to Luke. "Early morning for me anyway," he says.

"That so," says Luke, turning on his side and playing with a tendril of Bodhi's hair.

"Early morning briefing, you know how it is."

"I've been on a swamp planet in the far reaches of the Outer Rim and in my X-wing for the last two days, so no, not really," says Luke, his hand tracing Bodhi's collarbone.

"You skipped debriefing when you got here, you'll have to miss it," says Bodhi, closing his eyes to bask in the sensation.

Luke's fingers stop moving. "You want me to miss it," he says.

Bodhi's eyes open up as his brow furrows. "What? No, just stating facts."

"What's the briefing about, Bodhi?"

Bodhi turns his head on the pillow. "They haven't told me, Luke."

Luke's expression has turned sour. "But you have some ideas."

"I usually do, but I won't know anything until after the briefing, which is going to be early, so we should go to sleep." Bodhi raises a hand up to Luke's face, stroking his jaw. "There's no need to worry about anything we don't know for certain."

After several moments, Luke relents, leaning over to kiss Bodhi chastely on the lips. "Okay. That's okay."  Luke curls down so that his lips are resting on Bodhi's shoulder. "Good night," he says, and Bodhi presses a kiss on the crown of his head, shutting his eyes, thankful for this little armistice.

Except Luke doesn't fall asleep. For the better part of an hour Bodhi tries to ignore it, finally throwing an arm over his face. "I thought you were tired," he groans.

Luke sighs and doesn't speak for several moments. "I am," he says a few seconds after the silence turns uncomfortable.

Bodhi slits one eye open. "Then sleep."

"I can't."

"Would sex help?"

Luke lets out something that's not quite a laugh. "I don't want to say no," he says.

"But it's not what's bugging you," says Bodhi, wiping his face with his hand.

"Nope," says Luke, still staring up at the ceiling.

"I think the briefing tomorrow's going to be about the assault on the new Death Star," says Bodhi, pulling up the covers and turning on his side, away from Luke. "Can we please go to sleep now?" he asks, screwing his eyes shut because really, they shouldn't be worrying about this until they absolutely have to—Bodhi will go out of his mind if he thinks about it too much.

"That makes sense," says Luke behind him, and Bodhi listens to him shift in the sheets. When Luke curls around Bodhi's back and drapes an arm over his waist, Bodhi nearly shudders in relief, sighing and arching back into the pressure. Luke's breath is warm against the nape of his neck and he smells like sweat and something else pleasant that Bodhi can't quite name, but Bodhi thinks he could be perfectly content, just like this, forever.

Except Luke doesn't fall asleep. Bodhi grabs his hand, the prosthetic, and brings it to his lips, laying a soft kiss on Luke's fingers. "This is the most comfortable I have ever been while not being able to sleep, I want you to know that," says Bodhi.

He can feel Luke's smile against his neck. "So we have that going for us, which is pretty good."

Bodhi snorts then shakes his head. "Whatever it is that you're not going to be able to sleep until you get it off your mind, why don't you just say it?" he asks.

Bodhi listens to Luke take a few long breaths before he says, "Maybe I should meditate on it, let you get some sleep."

Bodhi groans and turns over to face Luke, throwing a leg over him to trap him. "And you think I'll be able to sleep knowing there's something like that hanging over my head," he says, staring Luke down.  
  
Luke has trouble keeping eye contact with Bodhi, even in the low lights. "You're not going to like it," says Luke.

Bodhi rolls his eyes then ducks in to kiss Luke firmly on the lips. "I love you, but you're an absolute idiot if you think that I'm going to be able to sleep with you acting like this. Just say it, Luke."  
  
Breaking eye contact, Luke shakes his head. "You're going to hate me even for asking."

"I could never—" starts Bodhi.

"I need you to not be part of the battle," Luke blurts out, flinching backwards as he says it.

In turn, Bodhi finds himself all but frozen in place. "What?"   

"I need you to be far away and safe," says Luke, sitting up and pulling his knees under his chin, looking terribly young and insecure and selfish— _he wasn't wrong_ —  

Bodhi rolls off the bed and stands up, walking over to the controls to turn on the lights. After staring at Luke for several seconds, he finally finds his words again. "How can you—"

"I told you that you wouldn't like it," says Luke, staring at his own feet, completely folded in on himself.

Trying to keep his voice down, Bodhi leans against the bulkhead. "Literally _everything_ and _everyone_ we have fought for is going to be there and you think it's acceptable to ask me to sit this out?" He slaps a hand against his own forehead. "Do you even know me?"

Luke looks up at him. "Yes. Bodhi, I'm—I'm in turmoil," he says, his toes and fingers all fidgeting, clawing at the sheets. "Every attachment I bring into that battle is going to drag me down—"

Bodhi can't help but scoff. "I drag you down? I'm a burden to you?" Bodhi's glad that he's far from any potential projectiles, because he desperately wants to throw something at Luke’s head. "Like you aren't a burden on me, like I don't worry that you might die in this battle!" says Bodhi, realizing that his voice has risen to a shout, glad that he stopped himself before getting to the conclusion of that thought: _or in some pointless fight against your father that you have to fight so that you can be a real Jedi_.

"I know that!" Luke shouts back before he seems to come back to himself, pulling in a deep breath. He scoots over to the edge of the bed, setting his feet on the ground. "I know. But Vader, my father—he can read me,"  says Luke.  He stands and walks over to Bodhi, extending his hands, but Bodhi shakes his head, keeping his own hands trapped between his body and the wall. Luke sighs. "Even when I—He is strong in the Force. He will use all my feelings, all of my attachments against me. Leia—I can try to bury that down, but if he gets that far, she has the protection of being his daughter. That may save her," says Luke, wiping the side of his face with his hand.  "But Vader considers you a traitor. If the worst comes to pass, there's no reason for him to spare you," says Luke, eyes wide, voice entreating, breaking Bodhi's heart again by already sounding thoroughly defeated.

"If the worst comes to pass, I don't want to be spared," says Bodhi, glaring back at Luke.

Luke gives him a bitter smile. "But I need you to be."

Bodhi lets the silence stretch between them, trying to process everything Luke's said to him. "Would you hunt me down, if Vader turned you to the dark side?"

"Never," says Luke, his reply instantaneous. That, at the very least, is somewhat heartening.

But Bodhi's still so incandescently _furious_ with Luke and the Jedi that he's not going to let Luke off easy for even considering asking Bodhi to stand down from the bigger fight against the Empire. He takes a low breath and raises his hand. "Because if you turn against us, I want you to know that _I will hunt you down_ , Luke. I'm not a killer, but I will slide a blade into your heart with a song in my own," he tells Luke, staring those blue eyes down, imagining them rolling back, sightless, never able to hurt him again.

Luke nods, not breaking eye contact now. "I know. I'm counting on it," he says, having the gall to look _relieved_.

Bodhi slumps then slides against the wall, trying to put a little more distance back between them. He turns and walks to the corner, sees the hamper, the shelves of holocrons and holos, all those little things that had seemed so comforting before they'd gone to bed. "I'm trying to decide if you're the worst thing that could have happened to me," says Bodhi.

"So you're considering it," says Luke from behind him.

Bodhi's glad that Luke can't see the tears he can feel welling in his eyes. "... I am," he breathes out after several more moments of stilted silence.

He can hear Luke's tentative footsteps behind him, braces himself for contact which doesn't arrive. "I didn't say 'want,'" says Luke.  "I said 'need.' I need to know you're safe when I go in there. This is me, begging."

"I know," says Bodhi, letting the tears fall, trying not to debase himself by sniffling— _why did I ever give someone else the power to do this to me_? 

Luke doesn't appear to have the same kind of control over his expression, truly at the mercy of his own emotional turmoil. "I am weak, I am so weak, and I need this," he says, his voice quiet but high-pitched, like he can barely breathe. The hand which Bodhi's been waiting for lands on his shoulder, clutching deep into the muscles there. "I'm sorry to ask it, I know what it means to you, but I just... I _can't_ —"

"I know," says Bodhi, reaching up to squeeze Luke's fingers with his own. "Stars save us all, I know," he breathes out. At Luke's gentle prompting he finally turns around, pressing his forehead against Luke's so that they're breathing the same air. Bodhi loops his arms around Luke's waist, while the hand that had been on Bodhi's shoulder creeps up to wrap around the back of his neck, the other resting at the join of his neck, fingers twirling around a loose tendril of hair.  
  
As much as part of him wants to just remain still like this, perfect and forever, there's another part of Bodhi that's decided it's all too much. He pulls away sharply. "I have to go," says Bodhi, reaching back into the hamper to grab a pair of trousers.

"Where are you going to go?" asks Luke, reaching for Bodhi.

Bodhi bats his hand away. "I have to work, now. I have to go," he repeats, picking up his goggles and jacket while sliding his feet into his boots.

Luke steps back. "Is there anything I can—"

"I think you've done and said enough for right now, thank you, so I'm going to go help with the fight that you know, I've dedicated _my entire life_ towards and take some time to think," says Bodhi, rushing out the door without giving Luke another look, wiping his face on his jacket. He hasn't thought his escape all the way through, but his feet are steadily taking him to the hangar and the shuttle _Tydirium_ , which he'd gone back to the Imperial Naval Academy to steal because it was vital to the upcoming mission. It had been mission critical, Luke hadn't wanted him to do it, but Bodhi'd done it because some things were more important than they were to the fate of the damn galaxy.

Several hours later the deflector shield's power unit sits in pieces on the deck around Bodhi because if there's one thing the Empire can always be counted to skimp on, it's shielding for individual craft. Bodhi will be damned if some piece of space debris could have a chance to endanger the mission— _which I may not even be part of_.  He miscalculates and strips a bolt, scraping his fingers against the metal, then yells wordlessly and hurls the spanner down the ramp.  Wrapping a rag around his bleeding knuckles, Bodhi gets to his feet so he can retrieve the damned spanner.

"You seem upset," says Chirrut, tapping his staff on the wayward tool. Bodhi huffs out a laugh as Chirrut uses his staff to flip the spanner back up at him, catching it in his uninjured hand. Save for the two of them, the hangar remains blessedly abandoned. All things considered, Chirrut is probably the only person whose head Bodhi won't bite off right now.

"Good morning to you, too," says Bodhi, checking the chronometer. He still has an hour or so before the briefing.

Chirrut smiles at him. "All is as the Force wills it."

"Kriff the Force," Bodhi spits back before he can stop himself.

Chirrut snorts rather than being appalled. "That bad, huh?"

Bodhi considers Chirrut's reaction as well as his own. "Yes, actually," he says.

Chirrut takes Bodhi's elbow, leading him up the ramp. "Then I suppose you and I should talk," he says, and he's not wrong.

Bodhi explains while reassembling the now much-stronger deflector shield, skirting the fact that Luke is Vader's son and Leia's brother but otherwise responding to Chirrut's gentle prompts with the unvarnished truth. "What do you think?" he asks.  
  
Chirrut pulls a pair of ration bars from his belt pouch, offering one to Bodhi, then taking a bite of his own. "I think that Skywalker's still younger now than you were when you defected from the Empire," he says once he's finished chewing.

Bodhi shrugs. "He's been in the fight nearly as long as me, we've been in it _together_ or at least that's how I thought we were," says Bodhi, taking a bite of his own.  
  
"That does not erase what a terrible thing it is to be young and in love, while also at war," says Chirrut, his voice low. "Do you know why I am not Jedi?" he asks Bodhi.

"No."

"You see him every day," says Chirrut, a warm smile spreading across his face.

"Baze," says Bodhi and Chirrut nods.

"The Code of the Jedi forbade attachments and I understood the depth of my attachment to Baze when we were but novices in the temple, and so I never even considered leaving him," says Chirrut, taking another bite. "He has left my side at times, yes, but like the Force he is always with me, here," he says, tapping his chest. "So when we go into battle we do it together."

"Which is what I want," says Bodhi.

"But which is impossible for you. You cannot face Darth Vader with Luke, not down the path which has been chosen for him," says Chirrut. "He cannot save you from it, nor can you protect him. This is a darkness which he must face alone. Of course he is terrified of losing you because of his destiny, of losing himself to it. Wouldn't you be?"

Bodhi feels his chest tighten at the mere thought. "I'm not a coward," he says, mostly to himself.

“I never said that you were, my contrary child," says Chirrut, shaking his head. "Any number of men could have done what you did on Jedha or Scarif, but you were the only one who did it." Chirrut leans over to pat Bodhi's hand. "That is a special kind of bravery. But it is distinct from being the only person who can do something and still agreeing to do it, which is the kind of bravery being asked of Luke. It is not better, but it is no less difficult."

"You think I should agree to his request," says Bodhi.

"I think you must decide for yourself what is best, and know that your friends will support you no matter what you choose," says Chirrut.

Bodhi lets out a soft laugh. "I already stole the damned ship for this mission, I used to be an Imperial pilot, and I'm supposed to say, 'No, I won't be piloting the Imperial shuttle,'" He waves his hands, gesturing at the ship. "Do you really think Cassian and Jyn will understand if I ask for an assignment separate from them?"

"Yes," says Chirrut, "I do. If you decide to ask."

Bodhi sighs and wipes the last of the crumbs off of his clothes. "I need to get to that briefing," he says, getting to his feet and offering Chirrut a hand up. "Thank you, for the talk."

"Thank you for the listening," says Chirrut. "All too many don't bother." Bodhi grins and heads for the briefing room. He sits far in the back, trying to keep his reactions to himself. Luke shows up at the end, volunteering to join Cassian's Pathfinders on Endor's moon, hugging Leia and his friends close, his eyes only darting up to find Bodhi at the very end — _he has everything to lose, I wanted him to miss this too, I don't want him to have to face his destiny_ alone—  

Bodhi finds Luke in their quarters, a few hours later. "I won't be piloting the _Tydirium_ to Endor. I spoke to Cassian and we agreed that it's important to the mission that you bring as many commandos as possible for the garrison at the shield generator," says Bodhi. "Han's a capable enough pilot," he adds with a sniff.

Luke's eyes are wide. "Really?"

Bodhi nods. "There's another mission where my skills are going to be needed. No, I'm not telling you where," he says, raising a hand to forestall any questions. If Luke falters in his dedication to the Light side, Bodhi's not going to make himself an easy hunt. "But I will not be with the main fleet for the assault."

Luke nods. "Okay then."

"The Emperor will be there, but I won't be. I can't have you distracted, not for this fight." Bodhi quirks his lips in not-quite-a-smile. "You'd better not lose."

Luke crosses the room in a few short strides, taking Bodhi's face in his hands. "I won't, I swear."

Bodhi holds Luke close — _the Code of the Jedi forbade attachments_ —and wills himself not to worry about all they may have already lost.

**Author's Note:**

> **Winces** Try not to judge Luke too harshly for this; my last story was so darn fluffy that in some ways I think this reaction was inevitable. I promise, however, that I am not done with the boys and that some things, at least, will turn for the better soon.


End file.
